


Happier

by lucy_in_the_sky



Series: The More The Merrier [5]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan thinks a lot of self deprecating thoughts, M/M, Polyamorous relationship, Polyamory, sincerely three, so read responsibly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 17:10:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12822171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucy_in_the_sky/pseuds/lucy_in_the_sky
Summary: When reflecting on their relationship, Evan comes to the conclusion that Jared and Connor would be happier without him.





	Happier

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I have no clue where this fits into the timeline of the rest of the series for those of you who have been reading them, but you don't need to have read any other installments to understand this one. Also the pov changes from Evan's to Jared/Connor's and it's marked by the little dashes so yeah

Thanksgiving was a day to spend time with your family and share about what everyone was thankful for that year, going around the table at dinner and celebrating all that there is in life to be happy about. 

For some people. 

For Evan, it was a little less festive. 

He was currently curled up on his bed in total darkness with tears drying on his freckled cheeks. Heidi was working all day, picking up extra shifts from coworkers who had normal families to earn some extra money. Evan didn't mind. Well, he'd said he didn't mind. 

But as he was sitting in the dark on his bed, he found that he really missed Thanksgivings with his dad. Because no matter how bad their marriage, his mom would take time off work to cook a big meal for the three of them and his dad would make sure to get the week off to spend several days with his son and they all seemed to actually have something to be thankful for. 

He supposed that he could have gone to Jared's or Connor's, knows that he would have been completely welcome but, well, anxiety. He didn't want to impose or ruin their relationship in any way and that little voice in the back of his head that always berates him kept telling him that he should just shut up and not ask to be invited to dinner so he did. 

Getting out of festivities had been easier than he'd expected which only fueled his self loathing. Jared had asked if he would be with Heidi, Evan obviously answering no, but then he followed it with a lie. Evan had said he was probably going to Connor's because Cynthia had asked him just the day before. His boyfriend had accepted his fib and proceeded to not bring it up, much to Evan's relief. Connor was a little bit harder, but he still ended up buying the "I'm going to dinner at our other boyfriends house" so Evan was off the metaphorical hook. 

He just didn't want to be a burden to their families or to them if all his significant others needed was a little break from him. He wouldn't really blame them. 

He was slightly disappointed that he'd accomplished being alone this Thursday, but in the end, his overwhelming anxiety won like it always did and he felt mostly relieved that he didn't have to worry about putting a wrench in someone's nice holiday plans. 

After about forty minutes wasted spend crying in his bed because he was alone and pathetic and couldn't even ask to spend one dinner at a boyfriend's house, Evan decided to head downstairs and maybe watch a movie, anything that got him out of his tiny room. 

He took a blanket from his bed and trudged down staircase, passing by the kitchen before heading to the living room. It was just before seven and Evan was getting hungry so he heated up a Trader Joe's mac and cheese while he turned the TV on in the adjacent room. 

The microwave beeped and Evan grabbed his food, returning to the sofa that sits facing the TV. He wrapped himself in his blanket and picked up the remote, switching to that one channel where they play Christmas movies back to back. 

He spent several hours watching happy couples fall in love on screen. They all lived in a magical world where people kissed in the rain and found true love where they least expected it and happy endings actually existed. They all reminded him of one relationship. 

But it was not his. 

He couldn't help that his mind was constantly drifting to Jared and Connor as he watched movie after movie. Each fictional pair had the same dynamic as the boys Evan loved. He couldn't help but stare at his TV screen and realize how perfect those two were for each other. 

As the night progressed, Evan thought more and more about how his boyfriends seemed better off without him bringing their relationship down. Neither of them really needed him. What did he actually bring to the table besides stress and constant worry? 

Evan turned off the TV, too sick with himself to watch another second. He trudged back up to his room, letting evil thoughts fester in his worn out brain. He fell onto his bed, not bothering to change out of the clothes he'd worn all day. 

Sleep took its time, slowly quieting every voice that told him how worthless and pathetic he was.

He woke up early the next day, his brain deciding that six in the morning was an acceptable time to continue its attack on Evan and his happiness. 

He should have gotten out of bed, showered, eaten something, done anything but stay in his room. But he couldn't seem to pick himself up off his bed. So Evan stayed right there, pretending to be asleep when Heidi came into his room and checked on him around eight. 

He couldn't help but wonder why Jared and Connor stuck with him all these months when he was so broken he couldn't even get out of bed...

 

__________

 

"Jared, over here!" 

Jared turned his head and saw his boyfriend holding two cups of coffee in mitten covered hands. He smiled and ran over to where Connor was sitting, kissing his boyfriend of his rosy cheek by way of greeting. 

"Good morning, love," Connor purred. 

Jared sat down and took a coffee from Connor's hand, taking a long sip of the stuff to warm him up a bit. It wasn't quite snowing yet, but the temperature was definitely dropping. 

It was the Saturday after thanksgiving and both boys were trying to make the most of what was left of break, planning a whole day of activities for the three of them. Only, it was now just the two of them. Jared had called Evan, but he said he was sick and they should go without him. 

"So why are we missing a certain blonde angel?" Connor inquired. 

He hadn't told Connor that Evan was sick, just that he couldn't do anything today. 

"Oh, he's sick," 

Connor made a pouty face, sticking out his lower lip in a way that made him very kissable to Jared. 

"Bummer," 

Jared's eyes focused back on Connor's. 

"Oh, yeah, he sounded pretty bad on the phone," he said with a frown. 

They were both looking forward to spending some time with just the three of them this week. 

"Was he sick on Thanksgiving?" Asked the taller. 

"I should be asking you," Jared responded with a confused look. 

"Why? You're the one who spend the day with him," 

"What do you mean?" 

"Evan said he went to your house for Thanksgiving, said your moms had asked him," 

Jared stood up, Connor copying his motions. 

"No, no no no, Evan told me he spent Thanksgiving at your place!" 

"No. You're kidding. Say your kidding, Jared!" Connor got progressively more worried. 

"Babe, I'm serious! He didn't come to my place!" 

Connor grunted and slammed his fist into the table that they were sitting at peacefully not two minutes ago. 

"Does that mean he was all alone for the whole day?" Jared asked with pain in his voice. 

"The whole day? Where was Heidi?" 

"Heidi said she was working hella extra shifts. You know how they need the money. She asked me to invite him to mine, but when I did, he said he was already invited to yours," 

"When was that?" 

"Monday," 

Connor's look turned more like ice. 

"I invited him on Tuesday but he said he was going to yours," 

Jared sighed. 

"So he lied to both of us and spent all Thanksgiving by himself," he said. 

Connor winced. 

"Yeah, I guess so," 

"Fuck, I feel like such a bad boyfriend," Connor said dejectedly. 

Jared scoffed. 

"No, baby, I should be the one feeling like a shit boyfriend, I was the one who was supposed to ask him over on Thursday," 

"So we both are shit boyfriends," 

Jared took him by his hand. 

"We'll make it up to him, I promise," 

Jared went to the other side of the table and took his boyfriend's hand. 

"C'mon, let's find Ev," 

Jared pulled his hand and tugged him to his car, knowing that Connor walked because this Starbucks was so close to the Murphy residence. 

They drove to Evan's, holding hands over the center console, both silently praying that Evan would be okay. They knew that he was 18 and could take care of himself, but he never liked being alone all day then all night especially if he was sick, plus it was a holiday and it never feels good to be all alone on a holiday. 

__________

 

Evan had had a couple days to let the dark thoughts from Thursday sink in and fester in his brain. He had come to realize that he didn't fit in their relationship, that he was the odd one out, that he didn't belong. 

He realized he wanted to break up with them. Leave their little trio before he could cause permanent damage. 

He didn't deserve their love or affection, whether they were faking it or not. 

He'd cried a little on Friday, when he first realized he needed to leave the men that he loved. But then the voices in his head calmed him and allowed him to clearly see why it needed to be done. 

He'd come to a certain peace about it. He hadn't even cried when Jared had called him that morning and asked him to spend the day with the two others. Jared had even sounded so happy. But those helpful voices reminded him that Jared was probably just faking it and right after Evan declined, he was relieved that he didn't have to deal with the anxious mess that was Evan. 

He had spent all day Friday at home. Heidi had arrived home around two in the morning and slept for several hours before waking Evan up a little before nine, claiming that she was gonna make up last night to Evan. She made pancakes and hot cocoa and Evan was grateful but he still felt awful. 

Heidi left for work at ten, leaving Evan alone till late that evening. 

The same thing had happened today. Heidi left at ten with a promise to be back before dinner. She had smiled and said she was thankful for him this year and every year. It had made Evan want to throw up. 

Evan sprawled out on his couch the minute his mom left, immediately starting to contemplate how to break up with two of his favorite people on the planet. 

He decided he'd just outright say it, pretend he had a heart of stone or steel or something. If he said it fast enough, maybe they wouldn't question his motives and realize how broken he truly was. 

As he lay there writing and rewriting a mental script to use for when he talked to his boyfriends, he heard the doorbell ring. 

He sat up and looked towards the door, trying to imagine who it could be. He didn't order anything, his mom had a key, and his significant others were out on a date all day. 

He got up off the couch, cautiously making his way to the door. 

Evan got on his toes, peeking through the peep hole to see who could be at the door. He gasped when he saw the faces of his boyfriends, both bundled in fuzzy hats and scarfs and waiting, almost anxiously it looked like, for him to open the door. 

He had promised himself he'd be strong but the second he turned the handle, he had tears pooling in his eyes. 

Jared and Connor pushed opened the door the rest of the way, immediately taking in the mess that was their boyfriend. 

Jared made a cooing sound and Connor immediately went to hug him, wrapping his hand around the back of Evan's head and pulling him closer into his body. 

"Are you okay, baby?" Jared asked as he went to hug his boys. 

Evan felt sick. He didn't deserve them. He needed to leave them before they left him and the pain would be too unbearable. 

He started crying. Why was he always so emotional? 

Connor and Jared shared a look flooding with concern and moved Evan to the couch where he was laying just before. 

'Get a grip, loser. This is the time to break up with them!' Evan's head told him. 

Evan sniffled and sat up straighter. 

Connor and Jared were kneeling on the floor, both leaning in to hear what Evan was gonna say. 

"I-I have to s-say something-" he was cut off with the start of a sob. 

Evan cleared his throat at tried to numb his whole body so he couldn't feel Jared's hands rubbing soothing circles into his thighs or Connor squeezing his hand reassuringly. 

He took a deep breath. 

"I, uh, I, well you see, I wannabreakupwithyou," 

He squeezed his eyes shut. 

The hands on this legs stopped moving. The one holding his disappeared. 

"What?" Someone said breathlessly. 

That's when the tears started rolling down Evan's face but neither of the other boys moved to wipe them away. 

"Why?" 

He opened his eyes and saw that Jared had tears in his eyes and Connor had tears streaming down his face. 

It was Connor who had asked the question. Jared seemed frozen in his place, his hands still resting lifelessly on Evan's thighs. 

Evan swallowed loudly. How could he low without giving it away? 

"I, uhm, I-so, uh when, uhm," 

"Don't. Lie." Connor said stonily. 

Evan shut his mouth. 

He finally had the courage to look Connor in the eye. What he saw wasn't anger or malice like his tone suggested, but sadness and longing. 

"I don't deserve you! Both of you would be so much better without me and I can't stand the fact that I'm bringing you down!" He let him emotions get the best of him, growling out his hatred for himself. 

"Please just leave so you can be better off," he ended sadly. 

Now it was Connor who looked frozen. 

Evan suddenly heard a sob to his right. 

Jared. 

He saw so much pain in Jared's normally so cool face. He had never looked so hurt. 

Jared stood up and climbed on top of Evan, wrapping arms and legs around his body, sobbing into his shoulder. 

"Evan! Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan," 

He cried into the boy's neck. 

"Please," this single word could be heard from the floor where Connor had started to sob as well. 

Jared moved to the side of Evan, body still lying on top of the blonde's, but making room for Connor to join them on the couch. 

He kissed Evan's cheek and placed his head where Jared's was just before. 

"Evan, I love you so much," he said with so much earnest in his voice. 

"Baby, what could have possibly made you think that we don't want you?" Jared asked incredulously. 

Evan looked at him. He felt so small. 

"I, uhm, I think-no, I know, that you two would be better without me and I'm so broken and me-messed up and," he sniffed, "and, well, and I wanted to break up with you two so you could be happy but also so you wouldn't have to break up with me," 

Connor and Jared both started talking at the same time, each refuting every word Evan had just said and making Evan's brain hurt with how much truth they spoke with. 

"Wait, wait wait wait," Evan squeezed his eyes shut again. 

He clasped and unclasped his fists as he tried to listen to his boyfriends instead of the voices in his mind. 

"Evan," the voice was clam but stern. 

"Evan," it repeated. 

"Baby, look at me," 

He opened his eyes and saw Jared leaning over him. 

"Calm down. We both love you so fucking much. This relationship would not be what it is without you. If one of us were to leave, no one would be happy," 

He spoke slow and calm, putting emphasis on every word so Evan understood what he was saying. 

"Baby, look at me," Connor said to his left. 

Evan looked. 

"You were the first person that I said 'I love you' to and actually meant it," 

Evan cried at that. That was too much. 

"Baby, its true," Connor said as he wiped his cheek, leaving his hand on his face. 

They sat in silence for several minutes, Jared and Connor sometimes whispering little love declarations but constantly physically reassuring their boyfriend. Jared's hands stayed in Evan's hair, Connor's rubbing his chest, his thighs, his hands. 

Evan let these past few days disappear from his memory, trying his best to forget ever wanting to leave the most amazing men he knew. 

"I-I'm so sorry," he said breaking, the silence. 

Connor and Jared responded with a chorus of 'no's, claiming that Evan shouldn't have to apologize for the evil things that his mind tried to convince him of. 

"I feel terrible," 

Worried glances were passed around. 

"Like, physically or mentally?" Jared asked. 

"I'm not sure," he shuffled his head closer to Connor's chest. 

"Okay, well what did you eat today? Did you get enough sleep?" 

Evan tried to respond, he really did, but he was already mostly asleep, his boyfriend acting as his pillow and blanket. 

His vision blacked out and he let himself succumb to the slumber that was calling to him. 

__________

 

Once he was completely asleep, Connor lifted him and took him to his room, struggling up the stairs, but managing to get Evan into his bed in one piece. 

Connor and Jared stood at the foot of Evan's bed, holding each other's hands and both silently begging him to be okay. 

"What do we do?" Jared whispered. 

Connor turned away from their sleeping beauty to look at Jared. 

"What can we do?" He replied with a hint of desperation creeping into his voice. 

"I mean," he continued, "we already show him how much we love him and neither of us thought, we didn't, he never, he didn't-" 

Jared cut Connor's pleading words with a soft kiss and a long embrace, rubbing up and down his back and whispering into his ear. 

"Babe, I know, he never showed any signs of wanting to leave, it's not your fault he got this worked up. Connor, it's not anybody's fault but his goddamn anxiety that feeds him lies. You are an amazing boyfriend and I love you so fucking much," 

Connor sniffled into Jared's shoulder and nodded against his skin. They had both had a rough day and it wasn't even noon yet. 

Evan was sleeping like he hadn't slept in ages and it scared both boys. Neither had heard from him since Tuesday evening when he'd texted their group chat about the new The Flash episode that had aired that night. So they didn't know when he'd gotten so bad. 

"Well, I guess we will just have to be extra adamant about making sure that he knows how fucking adored he is until he won't need constant reminders," Connor spoke to the warmth of Jared's shoulder. 

"Yeah, that I can definitely do," Jared replied. 

They both knew that a serious talk needed to happen. They couldn't just throw this under the rug and pretend that Evan didn't try and break up with them. It was not gonna be fun in the slightest but it was something that just had to be done. 

Jared sighed and kissed Connor's head, backing out of the room to make something for lunch, knowing Connor would be hungry and Evan, too, whenever he woke up. 

Connor waited in Evan's room a little bit longer, even went closer to the sleeping boy and kissed his forehead before joining his boyfriend downstairs. 

He walked over to where Jared was frying some grilled cheese sandwiches and hugged the boy from behind. 

"I love you," he said into his ear. 

Jared chuckled and turned his head to kiss Connor's lips. 

"I love you, too, babe," 

Jared finished making the sandwich he was on and grabbed Connor's hand. 

They ate lunch at the Hansen's bar, neither letting go of the others hand. It seemed as if each boy was using the other an an anchor or something to reassure them that what they had was good. That they were gonna be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Soo I'm thinking about writing a sequel to this story and adding the convo they have and making it super angsty so let me know if that's something anyone would want to see :)


End file.
